Somethin's Gotta Change!

Does it HAVE to be me????

YES!!!! I told Riley things were just not working with Milly and that I couldn't bear being with her this much anymore. I felt like I could really damage our relationship. It felt like Chinese torture, and I would be patient time after time, and then after so many patient, holding back episodes I would get snappy at her, and occasionally say something like she was being a brat, or another label such as ungrateful. An exaspurated raised voice was occuring nearly everyday which didn't feel good to feel uncontrolled and to feel like a bad mother. Fortunately saying some label was occuring very occasionally, but the work involved was giving me majorly tight shoulders every single day which gave Riley sore fingers in rubbing my back!

I didn't want to let go of my idea to homeschool her till third grade, and really felt this was about her more than me at this point, she always came home extremely stressed and demanding after social situations so I knew she needed extra coaching and guidance to help her be successful. I had prayed about it many times and felt very right about this decision to let her enjoy the safety and coaching of a mother's arms to prepare her for the worldly challenges ahead, and strengthen her till she was more ready to stand on her own two feet. But then I felt this snapping point and thought, this has to be about me, and I don't want to be with her that much. I won't be. I don't want to hurt her and I am going crazy.

I realized something had to change. I knew that I was already using a lot of help from the Lord so I didn't see how it could be me. That night I woke up at 2:30 and I had an impression. I needed to do the twelve step program, you know AA, or Over Eater's Anonymous. So I started on step one : I am helpless in this problem and COMPLETELY need the Lord, from LDS Family Services, Addiction Recovery Program. Luckily, I studied it and then went back to sleep.

That morning on my run, I plead on my run to forgive and thus erase all resentment in my mind, resentment I held in not having the first child I thought I wanted, expected and or deserved. And resentment for being so different than myself.

As I studied the scriptures, the Lord told me "and lo, I will be with them even to the END."

"And he who is FAITHFUL shall overcome all things..." I knew that if I kept turning to the Lord in this weakness of keeping my temper, the Lord would help me overcome.

During the day the Lord gave me an impression that was so beautiful and helpful. He told me that he is so easily able to love us in our most repetitive weaknesses, because, beyond feeling our magnificent worth, also, he saw us much past the weakness, he saw us as getting past and over the problems, he saw us eternally. I realized I could see her as a grateful and happy girl, really and truly, that she would be someday, and that this was only a temporary working through an abberation to her character. That was a powerful thing for me, and I know that it will help me not think things, that could come out in hurtful words, if I never even view her as such things as unhappy and ungrateful, etc.

Yesterday I did some more writing in Step 1. Weakness is a tender mercy of the Lord? Yes, I realized the Lord gives us weakness in addition to having weakness from lack of experience and that it is our strength and our gift, so we would not be isolated, that we would use the help of other people and more especially our God. This weakness is a beautiful gift given so that we can be connected. Connecting with the power of the atonement and Christ's grace, gives us giant ability that given our amount of experience and skills, we could never achieve with out him. If we weren't weak, we wouldn't feel the need to connect, and be able to become so much bigger than we feasibley could be alone. Our children need us, we need mentors, friends and parents, and most especially, our God whom we are connected to through our Savior who mediates between our lack of perfection, so that we can unite with our Heavenly Father. Essentially, we all need each other. Together we are strong.

Facing this conflict head on with admitting I need utter help from God is the only way. Public or private schooling would not provide just time away, it would also add other pressures. It may be the best answer for me for some point, but it isn't for right now. Right now, I must face my biggest demons, head on, to be able to sucessfully follow the answers God has given us for right now in our journey.

Listening to a parenting book on tape called Smart Love, I realized that those weakened moments of fatigue and etc. shouldn't be sweated over, because they are the exception, not the rule. Like a beautiful tapestry with a few hanging strings doesn't ruin the art piece.

I feel it is different with Milly, if you are familiar with Danny Saunders, he is the main character in The Chosen. There have been two or three times that I have said something dreadful to Milly, and I can't remember what that was. With most children, I think it would sluff off because it is so rare, that it doesn't even sink in. But my child has like a photgraphic memory, and I am not saying this to brag. Ever since she has been small, she has been told something and remembered it. Though at these moments, and I literally remember this feeling like twice of saying something very hurtful and damaging, I prayed and prayed the grace of the Lord could help erase them away, for Milly and her most amazing mind, I am worried that they will stay with her, or have stayed with her. I do believe in the power of the atonement to heal, but if I need to hold her in my arms more, spend more time with her, praise, approve and cherish her more as part of her healing, then the Lord will guide me.

In The Chosen, Danny Saunders does not speak to his son. This seems abusive on the outside perspective, but I can see the wisdom in this for a son with a mind as he has. I believe that my duty to Milly is to be silent, completely silent in those moments when I am feeling any type of emotion with her behavior, because she will attatch them to her own self worth. She is also the most brilliant child in making inferences I have ever met. This message was reaffirmed to me on Sunday during the lesson, when we studied Robert D. Hale's talk on showing Christian courage in times of opposition. We decided as a group that sometimes saying nothing was the best thing possible.

I am commiting to study and thereby learn from the parents, friends and mentors God puts in my path to help me. Parenting books are terrible, in that the emotions you go through in parenting linger as you study how to be better, and it is difficult to do, especially when you seek a 'break'. But I only get this chance once, and I am commiting to do this. And obviously, I will study in balance. So far this balance is that I am listening on tape so I can still be doing something of my choice while I listen. And I am still going to sew by gum! This blogging will help me stay commited as I report my learning. I am learning in Smart Love, what is developmentally appropriate for each age, as well as why children may have a hard time experiencing joy, and thus why they might complain in those moments you are doing your best to serve them. This can be created partly from our own discipline which they read as perfect love, and so they feel that to feel loved is to feel punished. Harsh. I can take it. I can love more, and I can discipline better! I can learn!

Milly is my gift to realize I am utterly helpless without the Lord to raise her, and really my other children are all part of that same gift, they each take their turn of wearing me down. We are going to hold hands into the eternities. They will help me, and I will help her, and together we will learn to use the help of the Lord.

Milly is a beautiful, special and amazing child, and I cherish her with all my heart. I will change through more humility and more learning that I will not only preserve this infinately important relationship, but that I will be priveleged to help her blossom as the most intriguing and contributing flower of love, friendship, power, worth and beauty. I will take each day step by step, and listen closely as the Lord guides me to what will be best for her. I will hold the Lord's hand tightly.